A Thinking Man's Thoughts on Thinking

It is a little known fact that the most misunderstood concept in the world, sneaking in right above love, is thinking. For example, you probably thought that picture was funny. It wasn't. Cats are incapable of rational, coherent thought.

If you stop to think about it long enough, it will make
sense. The problem is that entirely too few people ever think about this, and the vast majority of people live out their whole meaningless existence without thinking at all.

So much of our bodies' functions are carried out autonomously, separate of any conscious decisions made by us. We aren't quite as important to our own bodies as we would like to think. Well, those that think, anyways. Take heat for example. It is an instantaneous reaction to yank a hand away after resting casually on a cabinet, only to find out that the perceived cabinet is, in fact, a stove. A stove that just so happens to be on, mainly because the concept of luck and most of humanity don't mix very well together. A stove that is on that also happens to be very hot, having been on for a great while.

nyway, the point of that bit was to show that our bodies can function quite well without us thinking, sometimes even functioning better than if we stopped to think about things. Some people should not even be allowed to think, because the simple fact remains: that most thinking people are very dangerous. Math, for example, was invented by people that think. Such is the monstrosity created by those great minds of humanity that are discontent with lying unused in that dusty cellar we call the skull.

The Atomic Bomb was invented by people that thought. Right after they invented it, they thought too, though their thoughts were quite different at the two different stages. It went from, "I think I shall make the world a better place," to, "I think I have just wet my pants." It was a quite sad change, one that took place a few seconds too late to stop horrid destruction.

However, a problem arises when very few people think. The people who think start to get bored with solving the problems of the world and the universe and start to move onto more intriguing concepts, such as, "I wonder if I could control all of these non-thinking people around me? Maybe I could make them do some funny stuff to keep me entertained."

To which the remainder of the thinking people reply, "What a good idea, a novel concept! We rather like it!" And then they set about setting about various schemes, the end goal of which is to either rule the world or to make the rest of men look stupid and idiotic. It's all very well and good if you can think, but if you can't, you feel rather silly about it all. Like the people who thought they were going to make the world a better place by making a really huge bomb.

Those men who think usually are rather successful in their sundry schemes, unfortunately for the majority of the human race. For those non-thinkers out there, here's three easy steps to avoid thinking people:

  1. They often seem to be self-absorbed. Like there is something very interesting happening, when in fact, there isn't. They might look as if they have just seen an invisible pink unicorn, when in fact, an invisible pink unicorn never ran by.
  2. They often engage in confusing, heady conversation over a hot cup of tea. They may ask about the weather, but be on your guard. This is often a relaxing tactic used to deceive you into thinking that they are not thinking about the inevitability principle of blanched artichokes. Don't panic if you don't know what that is. That's fine. Oh, and if they talk about confusing things over cups of cold tea, don't worry: they're probably just insane.
  3. When you see one of those two signs, run. If you cannot think, you are invariably a jock, whether or not you look it. Thinking people are usually short and nerdy characters that couldn't run faster than a feather pen. If you fail to run fast, swallow a cyanide pill, quickly. Anything is better than thinking. If you don't carry rat poison on your person, you're probably doomed. Ever heard of Room 101?


  1. How do you know a pink unicorn didn't just run by? According to quantum theory... And if I do run fast, does that that mean I cannot think, or does my skewed logic prove my point in and of itself? Thinking is such a confusing and contradictory thing to think about isn't it.

  2. The invisible pink unicorn...Wikipedia it, I'm not going to spoil the joke.

  3. Josh,

    I have posted a brief and lucid explanation of the Inevitability Principle of Blanched Artichokes if you would like to read it.

  4. For one that doesn't want to think, you have put a lot of thought into this. Which begs the inevitable question, I think therefor I am, or I am therefor I think??