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11.30.2009

Pre-Christmas Anger

Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat...
So Christmastime is almost here or is already upon us depending on your reckoning. I say it starts in December, but I tolerate other people's celebration beginning on the day after Thanksgiving. It's the ones who start before that I can't stand.

For some reason I have a lot of hate and bile I need to get rid of so I can properly get in to the *warning: overused phrase ahead* holiday spirit. Maybe it's because I haven't been feeling well the past few days. Maybe it's because I've just been royally defrauded by Apple (I may post on this soon). Or maybe it's because of all those *warning: hick word ahead* doggone people who started Christmas early.

Fortunately for me, the internet was practically invented for the dispensing of hatred and bile (and stupidity and pictures of cats). The subject of my wrath today? Why indie music of course! And what subject deserves ripping on more? (Hint: it involves vampires).

I was looking for some new music the other day. Admittedly, I am pickier than most people with my musical choices and I have a terrible habit of berating other peoples' tastes in music which I really need to stop (unless they like country, of course.) As I listened to some of these bands, I noticed some things that caused me to immediately turn off the music. Although these trends are not exclusive to indie music, they seem to be more common amongst indie bands (especially number 11.)

Dear indie bands (and any band, really),

  1. If you start off with a repetitive and predictable guitar riff, I will not listen to you
  2. Even worse: if you start off with a repetitive and predictable chord progression that even I could play, I will not listen to you
  3. If you claim to sound like The Beatles, I will not listen to you (everyone “sounds like” The Beatles)
  4. If you claim to sound completely original then you are almost certainly lying and I will not listen to you
  5. If you begin your album with an ABAB rhyme structure, I will not listen to you
  6. If your vocalist sounds like he should be in a punk/rock band, I will not listen to you (sorry)
  7. If you are an obvious imitation of another band or short-lived musical trend, I will not listen to you
  8. If you start off with a trite love song, I will not listen to you. Sappy love songs are okay if they’re genuine.
  9. If the first word on your album is “Sometimes…”, I will not listen to you
  10. If you use synthesized string choruses, I will not listen to you (probably)
  11. If your band name is a lame attempt at humour or is longer than seven words (that’s generous), I will not listen to you
  12. If it is obvious that you use Auto-Tune or some other similarly annoying voice-processor, I will not listen to you
There are arbitrary exceptions to all above rules (except for 9, 11 and 12, of course).


I feel better now, but only a little.