"If I could have it backAll the time that we wastedI'd only waste it againYou know I'd love to waste it againWaste it again and again and again..."
- Arcade Fire, "The Suburbs (continued)"
I am a consummate time waster. I have wasted hours, days, weeks, and months of my life. I've even felt as though I've wasted years. It is easy to blame distractions around me. It was toys when I was a child. It is movies and video games now. And while much has been said about how those things can be time wasters and how there is some benefit to them as well, that is beside the point here.
What I have to realize is that, if I'm honest with myself, I am my own biggest obstacle. My problem is a lack of endurance. For a while I know what is right and do it. And slowly, over time, I lose resolve. I get lazy and everything reverts back to its original state. The original state of a human being is not a good place to be.
This lack of resolve has led to a lot of waste in my life. There's a lot of ground I might have covered, a lot of things I might have done or learned if not for my own lack of endurance - a lack of endurance in my work, in my behaviour, and in my faith.
I used to think there was no point to this line of thinking. Why think about where I might be if I had done things differently? What's the point when I can't change anything? The point is to be haunted.
Mistakes only count for something if we learn from them. Whether it is curiosity, pride or a combination thereof, I am the kind of person who often needs to learn things the hard way. Understanding something by experience is more effective than taking a "trust me" from someone else. Childlike faith is difficult for me.
I have been taught difficult lessons and I am certain I will continue to be taught them as long as I live. I need to be a bit haunted by what I've done. I need that incentive to not fail in the ways I a can prevent failure. I need the reminder of the pain. That's the only way to redeem the time that I've wasted and the wrongs I have done.
When we fall we bruise, but the bruises heal... all but the most serious. I pray it will not take a permanent scar for me to remember the hard lessons.
I need to be afraid to lose endurance. I need to be afraid of what that loss will bring. I need to be afraid of waste and wrongdoing. Most of all I need to be confident that God is fully capable of bringing about the change I need in my life. He can make this all have been worthwhile.
I used to think there was no point to this line of thinking. Why think about where I might be if I had done things differently? What's the point when I can't change anything? The point is to be haunted.
Mistakes only count for something if we learn from them. Whether it is curiosity, pride or a combination thereof, I am the kind of person who often needs to learn things the hard way. Understanding something by experience is more effective than taking a "trust me" from someone else. Childlike faith is difficult for me.
I have been taught difficult lessons and I am certain I will continue to be taught them as long as I live. I need to be a bit haunted by what I've done. I need that incentive to not fail in the ways I a can prevent failure. I need the reminder of the pain. That's the only way to redeem the time that I've wasted and the wrongs I have done.
When we fall we bruise, but the bruises heal... all but the most serious. I pray it will not take a permanent scar for me to remember the hard lessons.
I need to be afraid to lose endurance. I need to be afraid of what that loss will bring. I need to be afraid of waste and wrongdoing. Most of all I need to be confident that God is fully capable of bringing about the change I need in my life. He can make this all have been worthwhile.
"Wasted hours before we knew
Where to go and what to do
Wasted hours that you make new
And turn into a life that we can live..."
- Arcade Fire, "Wasted Hours"
I can sympathize with this much, much more than I care to admit. I admire your acceptance of/willingness to be haunted, to be reminded. I think most of us spend lots of time trying to FORGET the tough times, but you have a very mature point here.
ReplyDeleteThanks for making it.
I think (hopefully without sounding arrogant) that a lot of people can relate. That's why I'm glad I actually put this up here. That, and writing is the only way I can express myself sometimes. It's a bonus to know I'm not just shouting into the void. So thank you very much for your comment!
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